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Have you ever been hurt.. do you hate that person that broke your heart? You hate her for never letting you able to love another person? Losing the ability to love a person.. but.. has she ever thought.. when she were upset.. you are the one who was even more upset.. she didn't know that you always wanted to find her.. telling her the things that you couldn't tell her in time.. even if.. the whole world opposed to it.. you still want to be with her..
I've never thought.. that these memories of her.. would be so painful now.. so being in love.. causes so much grief in a person.. if it's that way.. then I will never want to be in a serious relationship again.. never again..
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Looking back at things... it all seem so distant... even if these memories hold their place... everything seems to be different now... I don't know where to start... nor where to end... all it matters is the journey itself... a walk through memory lane...
For this passing year, there has been some unhappy times and there are also some happy times as well. I don't know what to say or comment about how this passing year went. Mmmm... but... I think I have learnt a lot of things this year... and I'm very grateful for this experience.
After turning 21, I realized that I have changed a lot compared to my previous years. I guess it is true that you'll eventually become more mature once you become older. The more older you get, the wiser you become. I can't help smiling that I am becoming an adult now. It is rather a funny feeling, because when we were young, we had this feeling where we want to become adults so we can do what we want without being under our parents rules. But once we reach this age, we just feel that we wish we could go back and become kids again without worry too many things. To me, the more older you get, the more responsibilites that will put onto your shoulders. I guess this is what is considered as part of growing up? =)
Through this year, I have been able to come across many people, I was happy to know quite a variety of them and that I have been able to befriend them. However, I wouldn't say that everyone I met so far are all good, but I'm happy to say that I have met quite some amazing people and I am very thankful that I have been able to meet you all. You can't really expect that everyone you meet would be a good friend to you, nor could you expect them to see you as a good friend to them either. Sometimes, I'm sure there are a few people out there asking, "Why do they outcast me?" or "Why do they treat me so differently comparing to others?" or "How come they befriend others but not me?". To be honest, I have asked these questions myself, and I don't think there is a proper answer for these sort of questions. It's more like these questions are for us to find the answers for ourselves and each of us has their own opinions or ideal answer for these sort of questions. But, from my point of view, I think that there are some of us who are always needed to initiate whereas there are others who doesn't need to do anything and people just need to come to them. Unfortunately, I'm casted as the person needs to initiate everything lOl. I wouldn't say its too bad... but I'm sure there are times where you would hope someone would just approach you and befriend you, so that you can feel that there are actually people out there who thinks you are an interesting person and they want to know you. Also, I think maybe we just overparanoid with all these things, there are people who actually wants us to do the initiating or they wouldn't really understand you unless you tell them so. You can't really expect anyone to truly understand you unless you tell them yourself.
I've been thinking a lot about relationships... well, by meeting a variety of people and that nowadays, most of the music that has been released are usually love songs, so thinking about relationships is a given. It has been 3 years since I had my last relationship, there were some people who were quite surprised I haven't been in another relationship for so long. But I don't think its that surprising, if there is no one who likes you, nor do you like anyone, then I don't think you can really start a relationship lOl. Honestly speaking, as a guy, I think I lack a lot of things which is probably the reason why girls wouldn't go for me. In speaking, I consider myself as "A very nice guy", more of a very nice person to be with. But I think this what makes me not interesting, or more likely boring.
As a person, I consider myself a boring person, not much life to it, however, I can't help it since with my family background. Everyone has their own lives and difficulties, it just depends how we can work with our own lives. However... I've come to terms with a few things... I don't know what to say but... I guess I decided to focus on my studies, career and the responsibilities that is carried on my shoulders... because unfortunately... I am unable to bring happiness to the person that I like and unable to be by her side when she would need me most...
I think people are very complicated beings, there are some people who are simple-minded and there are others who are just too complicated. To me, I think there are many girls out there who I think are too complicated, I honestly would have no clue whatsoever what they are thinking. Guess I don't know much about girls to really understand them, in a way, its quite disappointing, since I think I should understand them more.
When a problem happens, I believe that the problem is usually caused by both sides. I don't know what to say but I think I'm really disappointed by a few problems that I have come across. When a problem happens, I chose to accept that I was immature enough to resolve the problem in a appropriate matter and that I have apologized for the problems I have caused. I also initiated to create a new start, but, if the other side choses to ignore your existance and still holds a grudge on you, or is unwilling to create a new beginning... Then, I don't want to be mean, but honestly... I think they are much more immature than I have expected them to be. However, if this does happen, all I can do is just respect what they think or choose what to do, because I have done what I can to contribute to this type of relationship, but if the other side chooses to remain the same, there is nothing more to say nor anything more than I could do.
Since holidays started, I feel like dancing and singing a lot lOl. I guess since there is so much free time, I just wanna enjoy myself a lot more. I hope I can also study language studies during the holidays, so hopefully by then I would be able to have a normal conversation with people with various backgrounds. I have also quitted my job at Pizza Hut, so this week is my last week ^^" it has be quite a er... interesting experience, but I would wish them with the best of luck and it was nice to have worked with them. Anyways, whatever is in the past, is in the past, everything now is considered a distant memory...
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|  Every night I close my eyes.. I keep hearing a soft voice whispering my name.. I don't know why.. but her voice is like a melody to my ears.. speaking the words "I believe in you..", "I'll always love you..", "I'll always be there for you..", an embrace so warm like the early morning sunlight.. even if my mind was erased.. this memory will hold its place.. as it is clear when I am full of sad memories and tears.. This type of feeling.. is like a movie where you wait for just one person endlessly.. as you remember the memories and feelings that you once had.. thinking at the place where you made that promise.. This memory.. is like the wind that comes by.. endlessly waiting like a motionless tree.. longing for that person each passing day.. even though.. time has passed by.. it still feels like yesterday..  Everything still feels like a dream.. as I always feel that you are always right beside me.. remembering the memories we once shared.. a story which meant to unravel endlessly.. has ended up with a sad ending of goodbyes.. The time that passed seems like a lie.. and after today.. I wonder.. if I'll feel the same way tomorrow.. Today.. will pass as if nothing is wrong.. I always wondered when the end would come.. then I told myself.. I'd walk away from you smiling.. so you wouldn't feel bad for me.. and so I wouldn't regret it.. so that this could all be a sweet memory.. this ending.. comes without a word.. I won't be able to see you again.. and if we happen to run into each other.. that will be enough for me.. I'll be able to live with just that.. at least.. for one day..
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 At times like these, I just feel that I might as well give up and become like everyone else in the world, who cares about themselves and don't really care what is happening to others. But I chose not to, why? Because to me, it really sickens me to become one of those types, I don't want to be the type who selfishly cares about themselves. I always believed this, if you are good to the people around you, the people around you would be good to you. If you think of others, the others will think of you. The person I want to bring happiness to them, I also would love to have that person to bring happiness to me as well. However, it is true that I have been good to people and I have met so many people who just make use of my good nature. I may have been lied, betrayed and outcasted.. so what? Personally I can be honest that I have actually stop trusting and believing people. But from a point of view, don't you think that's rather stupid? What I've been doing, what I've lost is to open my eyes and start this new life, this new beginning. It's true, from a point of view that I've met so many wrong people, but don't you think just because of those people that I've lost what's important?  The sky is bright and clear for everyone else, whereas there is always a storm that has clouded my thoughts, thinking I'm sure there's a day where I'll find this ray of light, I'll work hard. But no matter how hard I work, I still end up falling each time, because I don't let go of things. I can probably say that I'm a very sensitive type of person and a person who can't let go of what has happened that has cause unhappiness... But in reality, no one really cares if you are sad, no one really cares about your problems or your life. What does this really achieve? What has all that hard work been for? This sadness in my eyes that I see in the mirror each day, filled with tears that hasn't been shed, stories that is too painful to tell. Is there anything that I can do?  I want to send a message to the world, I want to let the world know that I exist, I want to let the world understand who I am. There are many things I want the world to know about me, but have I really ever gave them the chance to do so? I always say, "I'll try my best", 'trying' your best is not the right way for letting the people to know about you. I want to show my resolve, but all I do is 'try', you can't say 'try', you can only say "I will do it". Without the initiation from yourself, no one would actually know who you are, even if you want people to initiate. There are so many people who are just waiting for you to initiate, or they don't really care less because they think they are already good enough already. If you want to do something, initiate, this is what I see. I will initiate, I'll let everyone know the type of guy I am. If you run away, you will age, if you are being negative, you mind is always filled with depression and sadness, if you are afraid to fight, you will always listen to the words of fear. Everyone's life is a fight, only the ones who has the will to continue to fight will always stand on top.  My resolve?  I'll definitely fly across the skies, swing towards the world, live the life filled with eternal happiness and dreams, and let the world acknowledge me and understand the type of person I am. I want to know you, I want you to know me, I want to know everything, I want to know as many people as I can, I want to be given this chance to do this, if there is no chance, I will make my chance. I'll let the world know who I am. This is what I believe in, this is what I'll try to succeed, this is what I'll be fighting for, I will not run away, I will not let an obstacle to stop me continuing what I believe in, I will not let my own mind to believe in pure negativeness, even with my extreme sensitivity and stubborness not to let go, I will definitely will do my best to let things go and bring my happiness to the world and the world bring happiness to me. That is my resolve! | | |
| Back in the year 2006, there was a site called "Tickle" where they quoted "Put Life To The Test". One of the tests that I've come across was the "Personality Type Test". I was rather curious about what is my personality type and were they accurate enough to determine what personality I have. However, even though a few years has passed... My personality has not change and has been accurately stated by it. This is my unique personality...
Your Personality Type: The Millionaire
How You Approach Life
You, Millionaire, are primed for success and you won't stop until you get there. You're unusually ambitious, which is the distinctive edge you have on the competition. You can remain focused, even when distracted by the nonessential fringe issues that throw so many people off the road to glory. You are able to focus your strengths and energies where they are most needed - paving the way to the pot of gold. You work your way up, making connections and keeping within the safe boundaries of an office or business setting.
You aim to succeed in multiple realms of your life. But through it all, you also know how to impress people and have a good time. You're very ambitious and personable, and you've got a great sense of humor. That will carry you farther than people who just want to climb the corporate and social ladders of life at any expense.
You care a lot about how you look. You're bursting with self-confidence, and people admire you for your achievements and determination. For that reason, you like to look the part, and you take pride in dressing well and surrounding yourself with nice things. To some extent, your appearance reflects your position in life.
Professionally, you're extremely motivated. But in your search for perfection, you can sometimes be too critical of your work, and that can be destructive. Instead, focus on the successes you've already netted. People know that you're a solid, reliable person who can perform under pressure.
Any way you slice it, Millionaire, you're already rich.
Take Action
Your areas of greatest vulnerability
You've got so much going for you, it's unfortunate that competition and jealousy arise as your greatest vulnerabilities. Because you tend to vigilantly keep score of your own rewards, status and image in relation to others, you're constantly in danger of losing your security when you see someone who has something you would like. Be your best: By trying to develop a generous attitude toward other people's achievements and possessions, you can still enjoy the chase and the acquisition of life's pleasures - while avoiding being brought down by painful comparisons.
Section II - What makes you a Millionaire?
Your personality is actually determined by two personality sub-types - your primary, or dominant sub-type, and your secondary sub-type.
In your case, Millionaire, your two sub-types are Success and Thinker. Your primary sub-type is defined by "Success" characteristics and your secondary sub-type is defined by "Thinker" characteristics.
Your primary type is Success
People with Success characteristics are generally driven by achievement and recognition of their talents - you are no different. You are motivated to work hard to have nice things. You also feel to some degree that your possessions reflect your hard work - something you're very proud of. You are compelled to excellence by a number of factors and strive to climb whatever ladders come your way - whether corporate or social. To succeed and make a good impression on others, you may focus on your external appearance. You have a tendency to see it as an indicator of your internal value.
Intellectually, you are goal-driven. You might focus on the end results more than the process that gets you through an issue. In terms of entertainment, you gravitate toward media that is sensual, sexy, flashy and loud - often avoiding media that is too introspective or sentimental. you like to shop for anything from clothes to cars and enjoy reading magazines. Also, you most likely have a marked interest in your physical and mental health.
Deep Down
More than others, you have a highly developed sensitivity to other people. You are able to see the entire spectrum - not only of others' talents and abilities, but of your place relative to them. You have a deep-seated desire to figure out where you fit in the world and on occasion, this can manifest as a fear of unworthiness. You may feel that by looking like you are capable and deserving, it will make up for any possible underyling insecurities.
Your secondary type is Thinker
People with Thinker characteristics are extremely sensitive to external stimuli. They are extraordinarily aware of their surroundings - responding strongly to small changes that others might not even notice. They are also hyper-aware emotionally - reacting to, and analyzing changes to their environment. To combat the potential to get over-stimulated, Thinkers tend to move a bit more slowly and seek out calm environments that won't stress them out.
Intellectually, Thinkers like to dig deep into a problem to solve it - even when others grow impatient and move on to other subjects. As consumers of entertainment, Thinkers enjoy media that is sentimental, peaceful, and like heartwarming stories. They tend to be interested in books, inspirational media, self-improvement, and arts and crafts.
Section III - Your Four Personality Dimensions
Your primary and secondary personality sub-types determine your personality type. There are, however, additional elements that contribute to your complete personality profile.
Based on how you answered the questions on the Ultimate Personality Test, we have determined where you fall on four distinct personality scales: Relaxed/Apprehensive, Self-Doubt/Confidence, Safety-Seeking/Risk-Taking, and Internal Experience/External Appearance. The scales are not dependent on one another. They are meant to show you whether you tend towards one or the other extreme, or are somewhere in the middle.
Relaxed versus Apprehensive
Your scores place you in the moderately apprehensive region of the relaxed/apprehensive scale. This means that relative to others who have taken the test, you are moderately more sensitive to surrounding stimuli. It also means you are a bit more likely to have an emotional response to chaotic scenes.
Since you scored just slightly more on the apprehensive side of things, let's take a look at characteristics of people who scored more towards the extremes of the apprehensive/relaxed scale to gauge where you fall in between.
People who score high on the apprehensive side of this scale are likely to be drawn to situations that are less stimulating to their senses. Because they are easily affected by change, they try to stay away from environments that can over-stimulate them.
These people have strong reactions to what others would consider minor changes. That is why people who score high on the apprehensive side of the scale try to slow down the pace. When faced with chaotic situations, they will look for more calming places to be. Despite their talents, they are generally more self-critical and shy than others, even if it seems there's no reason for them to be.
People who score high on the relaxed side of this scale are likely to be stimulated by chaos. They approach life with a "the more the better" kind of attitude. They tend to have high energy levels because they are relaxed about problems that are out of their control. These people are relatively less inclined to react emotionally to things that happen - not because they don't feel the emotions, but because they don't let things get to them as easily as others.
Take Action
You, more than others, need a place that is all yours - a quiet spot where you can clear your head. Sometimes it can seem that the world around you is loud and chaotic: information can bombard you from every direction, and friends can be overly dramatic. Instead of letting it get to you, make sure you have a place to which you can retreat.
Remember that you can't change the nature of cities and the world, but there are ways you can cope with overwhelming situations. You can't control the outside world, but you can control how you function in it.
Try setting up a room in your house filled with comfort items, or finding a calm corner of a public library, or bench in the park you can call your own. This is your key to facing thing noisy, fast-paced and often overwhelming world, So do what you need to do for yourself and take charge.
Self-Doubt versus Confidence
Your scores place you in the moderately self-doubting region of the self-doubt/confidence scale. This means that relative to others who have taken the test, you are less confident than most. It also indicates that although you may generally less satisfied with yourself than others, you are still able to put your best food forward when needed.
Since you scored just slightly more on the self-doubting of things, let's take a look at characteristics of people who score more towards the extremes of the self-doubt/confidence scale to gauge where you fall in between.
People scoring high on the confidence side are extremely self-assured and responsible. Because of these traits, they are often the one friends and colleagues come to rely on - both on the job and in personal situations. These people are also known for having unusually high self-esteem and are natural leaders.
People who score high on the self-doubt of the scale have a tendency to look to others to determine their self-worth. They seek calm environments and often focus their energies on jobs that have less responsibility and are therefore less stressful. They are sometimes prone to being overly-critical about themselves, but can work their way out of those thoughts because ultimately, others might point out their talents.
Take Action
To really enjoy life, you, in particular, need your freedom from obligations. If you're feeling stifled, uncreative or unhappy, look at your life and figure out if there are areas where you are carrying too much responsibility. Then see if you can shed any of them.
When you carry too many unnecessary burdens, you can weigh yourself down. In this world filled with multi-tasking, power people, the trick is learning how to sort the necessary obligations from unnecessary duties.
Having more burdens than your fair share is a stress you don't need in your life. Luckily, you can control more of this than you might think - as long as you just decide what to take on, and what to leave to others.
Safety-Seeking versus Risk-Taking
Your scores place you in the in the moderately safety-seeking region of the safety-seeking/risk-taking scale. This means that relative to others who have taken the test, you sometimes play it safe and seek the security of predictable situations. Sometimes however, you throw caution to the wind and leave things up to chance.
Since you scored just slightly more on the safety-seeking side of things, let's take a look at characteristics of people who scored more towards the extremes of the scale to gauge where you fall in between.
People who score high on the risk-taking side combine a love of the new and unusual with a talent for inquisitive, abstract thinking. They seek out action and find structure and predictability to be strangling experiences.
People who score high on the safety-seeking side of the safety-seeking/risk-taking scale prefer their environments to remain stable. They feel that predictability has positive connotations and that stability is a comfort and an indication of safety.
Take Action
Some things in life are within your control and some aren't. If you're feeling intimidated, or uncertain throughout your days, take a look at your life and figure out which areas are unpredictable and what areas are not. You can't eliminate the unpredictable. But there might be ways you can better structure your routine around the unpredictable.
For example, you can control which train you want to take, but you can't control if the train is going to be on time. By recognizing the elements you can be in charge of, you can adapt your patterns accordingly. If you have a critical meeting, realize there is a possibility that your train could be late. Instead of racing out the door at the last second, prepare yourself to catch the early train - just in case your regular train is late. Learn an alternative route. Is there a different bus you can take, a faster train that leaves from a different stop? Since you feel most comfortable in predictable situations, try thinking ahead and structuring where you can.
External Appearance versus Internal Experience
Your scores place you mid-range of the internal experience/external appearance scale. This means that relative to others who have taken the test, half of the time you focus on the internal experience of the situation and the other half of the time you are more concerned with how things appear to others.
To give you an idea of how to gauge yourself on the internal experience/external appearance scale, let's look at people whose scores lie on the extreme ends of the spectrum.
People who score high on the internal experience side of the scale don't really believe that material possessions are a reflection of their success. In fact, they tend not to focus on how things appear to others at all. They feel that success comes form doing a good job, and knowing that they have positively influenced the world.
People who score high on the external appearance end of the scale tend to be motivated by a wish to be socially desirable. They want to move up and be seen in the world. For them, true success is important, and material possessions are the sign they have achieved it. Therefore, these people sometimes believe that happiness is directly a result of success and that the possessions they own are a reflection of that success.
Take Action
If you're feeling dissatisfied, take a look at your life and figure out if there are areas where you are compromising your values. Is your heart really in it when you go to the gym every day or are you doing it because your friends are? You probably have your own reasons, but don't fall in with friends just to be part of your group - even if it seems the thing to do at the time.
While friends might be racing to buy the latest electronic gadget or flashy car, you might wonder why you don't have a strong drive to acquire the same things. Don't worry. You're just happier focusing on other things in your life. That's not to say you don't like having nice things, it's just that you acquire things you need more than things you want to show off. If you feel indifferent toward external appearances, it may not be worth it to you to put much energy into maintaining them. Listen to yourself, since it's you - not other people - who knows what you like best.
Section IV - The Millionaire and the World Around You
How Others See You
You're composed and sophisticated. Socially, you project a flawless exterior - organized, thoughtful, and somewhat restrained. People are impressed by your unruffled image and see you as stable and mature. Occasionally others may worry that they don't measure up in your obviously discerning eyes.
Communication Style
You enjoy conversations that are lighthearted, pleasant and agreeable. Low-key connections with like-minded people are one of life's pleasures for you. You sometimes are baffled by the fact that some people intentionally pick arguments. How can they be so sure of themselves when every issue has so many aspects? You would never want to come across as so aggressive. You especially don't like domineering, blaming people.
Your Romantic Life
Your romantic ideal is a sweet and loving partner - someone to cocoon with. Your best match is also a hit with your family and friends. You long for stability, coziness and the comfort of sharing a life with someone who cares. You gravitate toward domesticity and commitment. At the same time, you want your partner to fit in well with the other people in your life. When friends, family, coworkers and others approve of your partner, it gives you a sense of security and community that you just love.
You At Your Best
When you're in the presence of others who care about you, you relax and really shine. Supportive, safe interactions with people who believe in you are an important step in your unfolding path towards more confidence. You'll thrive in atmospheres that are calm and quiet. When you feel soothed, you can tune into your real thoughts and reactions. By creating a peaceful environment for yourself, and by slowly building up your confidence, you will be able to enter the world more fully and share the amazing person you are.
Achieving Success
You are focused on success in your life; and you define it in a variety of ways. You love the boost you get from getting credit for your work, financial rewards, achieving your personal goals, finding luck in love, having great friends and, in sum, getting what you want. You can be held back, however, by a pesky self-doubt that occasionally questions your ability to really "make it" in the world. You've never been afraid to let the world know what you have to offer. Whether it's standing up to take credit in a work scenario or letting a new person you meet get a sense of your charms right away, you know how to put your best assets front and center. A challenge for you in the area of ambition is to partner with others as you pursue your dreams. Don't let that niggling self-doubt keep you from teaming up, combining resources and sharing the trip. You'll find the rewards of being on a team or part of a duo can be felt during the process and pay off in the final reward.
Take Action
What Really Motivates You
Your love for glory, fame, and the finer things in life keep you striving for your goals. You're motivated by the promise of wealth and acquiring enticing, beautiful possessions. When you envision the people in your social circle and your company, admiring your accomplishments, it really keeps you going. As long as you have your eyes on the glamorous rewards you love, you'll always have a reason to keep trying.
Conflict
When conflicts arise for you, it's often because your sense of fairness has been offended. The frequent difference between what people deserve - whether credit, money, or happiness - and what they actually have, can be extremely galling for you. There are also times when you don't feel justly rewarded for your efforts and assets. Occasionally, there are times when it's hard for you to let go of even seemingly minor irritations. You may find yourself reacting strongly at first. But gradually you will learn to let it go.
Getting Unstuck in Your Life
Gradual change is the best way for you to move out of stuck or uncomfortable places in your life. Build your confidence by working on one or two relationships that already feel fairly secure. Look for ways that you are comfortable, areas of life where your footing feels sure. Start to reach out from there and take some chances. You are likely to find yourself frustrated and disappointed if you make sudden or dramatic changes, putting pressure on yourself to make sweeping transformations. Better to nurture yourself gently, using slow and steady movement. That way, once you get where you're headed, you'll feel at ease and authentically there.
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